Sometimes my emotions will come out of nowhere-one second I’ll be fine and the very next I will be in tears. There are reminders of Evan nearly everywhere I turn. About a month ago Brent and I were shopping in Old Navy and he pointed to a shirt and said “Look, it’s Mickey Mouse.” I then broke down-right there in Old Navy. Talk about losing it. Mickey Mouse was the only cartoon that Evan watched. Brent and I had bought Evan a Mickey Mouse toy and now I automatically think of Evan when I see, hear etc ANYTHING about Mickey Mouse. For now it’s still upsetting but I am sure that one day I will look upon Mickey Mouse fondly and remember that it was something that made Evan happy and that will make me happy. For now I think “Evan should be here still watching Mickey Mouse.” In the next minute my mind reminds me that Evan is in a much better place and is so much better off than he would be if he were here watching Mickey Mouse. It’s especially difficult when I see other babies that are the age that Evan would be. I look at them and long to hold my baby. This summer I have spent a lot of time out and about will see a mother holding her baby or pushing a stroller and I automatically think… “I should have Evan here. I should be pushing his stroller or home with him” This time last year we were so excited about trying to get pregnant and start our family. I thought this summer would be spent with my newborn yet it hasn’t been. That’s been difficult to swallow. Yet again in my head I know he’s much better, my heart just hurts.
I’ve also found myself being so much more sensitive to comments that people make. I know that sometimes people will make comments that they do not mean anything by but I will think to myself “Why in the world would you say that??” I’ve been pretty good about not getting too defensive but it’s definitely been something I’ve struggled with and need prayer to continue to deal with. I want to remind everyone to be so thankful for everything that God has given them. If you take a minute to look around you can probably find 10 things that you are blessed with. Take a moment and be thankful for those things rather than focusing on all the negative in your life. Remind yourself not to take the blessings for granted! Your life could change in a split second and the things you are complaining about now will seem so inconsequential.
Ok, enough about that. Last week I spent a day on a photo collage wall in mine and Brent’s bedroom. I wanted something to look at everyday and remind us how blessed we are to have found one another and be spending our lives together. This is what it ended up looking like.